…Samantha. I would have named her Samantha.

Not that I know it was a she of course. Or…would have been a she.

It’s funny. I never particularly liked the name Samantha, even though there are plenty of good people with that name. It just never really struck me as anything special. I always seemed to have that problem with girl’s names. Sure, they were all pretty, but none so much more than another. Not like boy’s names.

Yet, when I think of my lost child, I picture her as Samantha. I can see her in my mind’s eye. Light brown hair like her parents, hazel eyes like her father’s. …and a not day goes by that I don’t miss her.

Of course, there are days when I’m smiling and laughing and seem like I haven’t a care in the world. I giggle and blush geek out over schoolwork and fiction. But when I’m alone, I think of her.

I’m reminded of her everyday. Every young girl I see, every baby in the mall or at church…when I see my “niece,” I’m reminded of what could have been.

I wasn’t ready for a baby…I’m still not ready for a baby. I realize that now and I am grateful. I am grateful I have time; I am grateful I have friends and family; I am grateful I have others’ children to love and cherish without having to bear the responsibility of having them be my own.

They say time heals all wounds, and I find this to be true. What isn’t said is that no wound is ever fully healed. We are all left with scars and those scars make us who we are.

I will not back down. I will keep moving forward. I will not let the ramifications of what one bitch did to me keep me from evolving into a strong and wonderful person. I will always mourn my Samantha, and a piece of my heart will always be hers, but I will never allow myself to drown in grief.

My body still mourns you, Sam. The various health problems I’m going through caused by prematurely cut pregnancy hormones rage through me and make me miss you more than ever. But I won’t give up…I never will. For your sake, and your father’s sake, and the sake of everyone else close to me, I will move on into a bright and better future.

Here’s to you, Sam. Your father and I miss you very much and I pray that you are safe in Our Father’s embrace. May you be cloaked in His love as your parents go on to new days in this world. We can be very stupid, your parents, but I promise you that we’ll do our best. Please look down on us and any siblings you may have until we eventually join you in paradise.



Love forever,



Your Mother