Hatoris Hidden Heartache
Chapter 1: Diary Entry Admitting the Truth
Ayame called me yesterday. He caught me at an odd time. I was vomiting and even crying, which is quite unlike me. I must say Im surprised at myself. When he called I was feeling very ill and was not in the mood to talk. I know that Aya does not have the capacity for seriousness most times and I was not prepared for any of his antics that day. I told him right out that I didnt have time for nonchalance and needed seriousness. Moreover, I told him that out of him and Shigure, only Shigure could be somewhat serious while Aya could hardly ever be serious at all. I was hoping that this would convince him to hang up and leave me alone.
Unfortunately he just said If you need to talk to Gure then, by all means, do so.
I heard the shuffling of the phone being thrown and soon identified Shigures voice saying, Hatori?
I tried to respond, but ended up vomiting yet again. The tears were still slowly streaming down my face.
Hatori? Shigure asked, Whats wrong? This
this isnt about Kana-Chan is it?
No. I replied.
Then is this, Shigure continued, what you were talking to me about earlier?
Suddenly I lost control, I just don't understand how anyone could love me I... Shigure told me to stop but I kept going, No, listen! I don't know how anyone can love me when I'm so pathetic. There...there's just something in me that just won't let me show my true self to anyone. I try but I just...not even with you two. The real me is even more serious and loves books and...but I always stayed in my room reading. I was all alone; I had friends but hardly ever saw them.
Hatori, Shigure started, trying to stop me.
I dont know why I kept talking. I didnt think he would understand, but for some reason I was beyond controlling myself. I try so hard to be myself but I'm always a different person depending on who I'm with. I just subconsciously fear that if I dont act more relaxed or like the people Im with at the time they won't accept me. I'm being torn...I don't know who the real me is anymore and yet I still hate myself...I just!
Hatori, Shigure broke in, Hatori, the things we were talking about earlier
I mean, you didnt
you couldnt have
Hatori? Hatori? Shigure asked, almost frantically.
N..No I answered.
Hatori, tell me the truth! he demanded.
...Yes, I started, I saw the razor in the shower and brought it up to my arm. I was so afraid, but yet I brought it closer and closer...and then, I cut my arm. It hurt; I knew that what I was doing was wrong and I was so frightened--so afraid of what I what else I could do to myself. But the pain helped ease the pain of hating myself and all my selves. It helped curve the nausea that came with even thinking about myself and how pathetic and useless I am. So I brought the razor up to my arm and cut it again and again...
Hatori! Shigure screamed, frightened, Aya and I are coming over right now! Right now! Did you hear me?
The others in the house, especially Akito, would be disturbed by your abrupt showing up and wouldnt let you stay long. I replied calmly.
Heh, Shigure started, you think I care? Im coming right now.
Shigure, I started.
Yes? he answered.
Shigure, please try to make it here on time.
On time? he questioned, I ignored him.
I still have some love for life, as well as for you and Ayame. With that, I hung up the phone and picked up the small hand gun I had lying on the floor next to my bed. As soon as I brought it up to my head, my hands trembling, Shigure and Ayame barged into the room.
but how? I started, as Shigure ripped my gun out of my hands.
Well, Ayame started quite calmly, We did speed. Now tell me Ha-San
why would you ever think of doing such a thing to yourself? After all, your life is worth far more than mine. I didnt answer; I just looked up at him.
Well that and we were nearby anyway. Shigure continued, We were calling from a cell phone because we were going to come and visit you anyway.
I stumbled to find a response.
Speechless, huh? Shigure asked. He then turned to Ayame. Aya, why dont you let me talk to Hatori for awhile alone?
You wont cheat on me with him, will you Gure? Ayame responded.
How could I cheat when I have someone as precious as you? Shigure retorted. Honestly, I dont know why I put up with those two. Sometimes they disgust me.
Ayame left the room and Shigure looked up at me. He glanced up and down, taking me in. My arms were still bloody as I had not bothered to bandage them. My face was wet with tears and vomit. Well Hatori, he began, I think wed better talk. I didnt say anything. Now, whered you put that medicine bag of yours? he asked, searching through my things.
Why? I asked, already knowing the answer. He turned to me with the most serious expression I have ever seen him give.
You know perfectly well why, suddenly his face was normal again, you have to bandage up your arms silly! That blood is so appalling! Gross, gross! he finished, waving his hand in the air. I glanced down at my arms. The blood did not seem disgusting to me, in fact, I kind of liked it. However, Shigure was destroying my room in search of my medical supplies so I grabbed my bag from where it lay near me and began to bandage up one of my arms. It was hard to do it myself, but there was no way I was letting him do it.
Soon Shigure knelt down close to me and I looked up. He knelt in and our lips touched gently, we parted. He then sat down and began talking to me and he wasnt overly serious, like me, but just himself. I dont think he realized it, but he made me see that I have reasons to live yethim being one of the most important ones. I will keep on living longer, even if it means doing so just to make sure none of my friends make the same mistakes. Shigure says I should live for myself and not others, but in a way I think Im doing that. Helping the other juunushi and Tohru-Kun makes me feel better about myself. They have all helped show me that I do still want to live. I feel that deciding to live after the things I have done to myself is selfish, but Shigure was angry at me when I mentioned this. Well be selfish then! he scolded me; If you didnt have some selfishness in you I wouldnt be able to be friends with you. I just smiled faintly at this.
As Ayame rejoined the room, I realized that I still had reasons to live; I still had purpose in life. I may lose sight of it sometimes, but it is always there. As Shigure, Ayame, and I started to fall asleep in my newly destroyed room, I felt less pain, less disgust, and more happiness. I knew now that I wanted to keep on living and keep them both close to me as long as I could.